In Bizarre World, movie popcorn is a bargain

Iread the most curious story in the newspaper recently, and it still has me scratching my head.

The national motion picture industry, which does 40 percent of its business between May and August when the summer blockbusters reach the theater, is having an unexpected boom this year, in spite of the recession. In fact, ticket purchases have increased a whopping 10 percent over the same five-week period in 2008, and if the trend continues, this could turn out to be one of the best years for the movie business in a long, long time.

Nobody thinks this increase in ticket sales is due to the incredible movies being released. I mean, seriously, how much would you pay to watch "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," one of the season's big-ticket offerings?

I know how much I'd pay, which is the exact amount I paid — nothing.

Nope, industry analysts have another explanation. With all the people deciding to have "staycations" at home this year instead of taking a regular old vacation, they still need some family entertainment. So instead of packing everyone into the minivan and heading down I-95 to Florida, they're heading to the theater to see where Wolverine came from.

Am I missing something here?

I was on a road trip last week, and based on my admittedly limited survey, regular gas was selling for about $2.30 a gallon. That means it costs you around 46 bucks to fill up, if the tank is bone dry.

Let's also say the average minivan tank holds 20 gallons and the van gets 18 miles to the gallon. That means you could drive 360 miles on that tank of gas.

I don't know exactly how far it is from central New Jersey to Walt Disney World in Florida, but just for the sake of argument, let's say it's 800 miles. That means you could get there for $92, and another $92 coming home.

How much would it cost to buy four tickets to an evening showing of a run-of-the-mill summer blockbuster? Well, at the average price of about $10.25 a ticket, that would run about $41. Do it three times over the course of the summer, and you're shelling out $123 in ticket costs alone.

And we haven't even factored in the cost of refreshments. As you well know, in your average theater, popcorn is about 50 times as expensive as filet mignon, pound for pound, and OPEC is flat jealous of what the theaters get for 12 ounces of soda.

When the honchos from the big movie chains meet to set refreshment prices, I imagine them all showing up in black suits and mirrored sunglasses, chauffeured in their limousines by ex-NFL linebackers named Buster who have bulges under their suits from the Glocks they carry in shoulder rigs.

If they hear of a mom-and-pop theater selling popcorn and soda for less than the price they're fixing, they send Buster out to break a few legs.

You just don't mess with the Syndicate.

That means that if you buy popcorn, a soda and a box of Raisinets for each person in our group of four, you're looking at an additional $10 per person, minimum, or $81 per movie experience. Go three times over the course of the summer, and you're looking at $243 for tickets and treats.

If I'm calculating this correctly, that means you could drive your minivan for 2,113 miles for the same money it costs to take four people to the movies three times in four months.

Disney World (according to my 800-mile estimate) is only 1,600 miles from Jersey, roundtrip.

I know, I know, we haven't added up the cost for meals on that real vacation, but when I was a kid, we saved money on meals by taking a lot of our food with us in a cooler. Try taking a cooler full of cold cuts and soda into your local theater and see what happens. You'll get arrested, that's what will happen.

That leaves lodging, ticket costs once you get there and incidentals — and there's no getting around the fact that when you add those in, a trip to Disney is going to cost a lot more than three visits to the movie theater. So maybe "staycations" and matinees at the Plex are a better bargain.

So what can our average family of four do to raise the money for a half-dozen trips to the Mega Movie Plex this summer? Well, here are some ideas:

• You could sell 694 shares of the General Motors stock Grandpa Al, the railroad magnate, bought in 1916 for $697 per share and passed down as a legacy. Following generations have watched in horror as the share prices dropped, but everybody figured they would eventually rebound. They were about $57 per share in the late '60s, and crept back up to the $90 per share range in the late '80s, but — SNAP! — last week they were going for the fire-sale, junk-bond price of about 70 cents. You know it's time to sell when a $4 cup of Starbucks coffee is almost six times as expensive as a share of GM stock.

• As a curious factoid, if you spend an average of $3 per day on coffee from one of the chains, that means you spend about $1,095 a year on overpriced coffee (Buster works for them, part time). Give that up, and you're talking 13 movies for our family of four, although Mom and Dad might have trouble staying awake through "The Hannah Montana Movie" without high doses of caffeine.

• You could sell 291 shares of Ford stock, which was going for about $1.67 a share last week.

• You could sell 291 shares of AIG stock, which took a little uptick after the federal bailout and was also selling for $1.67 a share last week.

• You could sell the Beanie Baby collectionMomhas been building and is now taking up space in the garage. As another curious factoid, last week an "Old Face" Nip Ty Beanie Baby was selling on eBay for $200. Which means, of course, that a Beanie Baby that originally sold for $5 is now worth more than 285 shares of General Motors stock, an incredible return on an investment. Sell three vintage Beanie Babies at those prices, and your family can afford to go to the movies all summer, and have a pizza afterward. Or, you could buy the entire General Motors Corp.

Is this a great country, or what?

Gregory Bean is the former executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at gbean@gmnews.com.